You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
