he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
