I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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