god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Acid is not a monday night drug
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
