if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
