I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
