I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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