I just pynch a tree in the face
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize