Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
