I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Church boner. Awkwardddd
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
