Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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