I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
