for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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