i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.