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• (972): View more from Texas

  i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.

  (817): View more from Texas

  Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.

  (972): View more from Texas

  ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.

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• (708): View more from Illinois

  so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.

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• (513): View more from Ohio

  she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."

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• (207): View more from Maine

  Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.

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  Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?

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• (336): View more from North Carolina

  I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight

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• (602): View more from Arizona

  for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.

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• (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"

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• (479): View more from Arkansas

  I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.

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• (425): View more from Washington

  Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"

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  Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags

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• (520): View more from Arizona

  I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game

  (520): View more from Arizona

  Aloha alcoholism.

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• (505): View more from New Mexico

  I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy

  (1-505): View more from New Mexico

  No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad

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• (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  ...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.

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• (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.

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• (505): View more from New Mexico

  No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.

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• (773): View more from Illinois

  Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.

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