Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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