Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
My feet surprised me
Randomize
