my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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