Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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