why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
