Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I touched a dick in church today
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
