Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
worst night to have a conscience
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
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