i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
