i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
