Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
