In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
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