i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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