just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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