I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
