We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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