I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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