I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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