he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
