I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
The air taste purple.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
