you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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