in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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