i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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