Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
