I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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