you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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