I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
