Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
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