Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
