I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Randomize
