We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
