I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
