I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
