i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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