Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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