I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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