Got a toothbrush?
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
