I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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