Nicole vs. Life
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
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