I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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