the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
