Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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