I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
