R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
