He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
