i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
So squirting runs in the family.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
