i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
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You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?