I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.