we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
sex in a hospital.. check
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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